Recommended Books on Infertility:

Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility by Jennifer Saake

The Ache for a Child by Debra Bridwell

Moments for Couples Who Long for Children by Ginger Garrett

The Infertility Companion: Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility by Sandra L. Glahn and William R. Cutrer

When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden: Encouragement for Couples Facing Infertility by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer

Empty Womb, Aching Heart: Hope and Help for Those Struggling with Infertility by Marlo Schalesky

When the Cradle is Empty: Coping with Infertility by John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter

Water from the Rock: Finding God's Comfort in the Midst of Infertility by Donna Gibbs, Becky Garrett, and Phyllis Rabon

Recommended Books on Pregnancy/Infant Loss:

Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg

Safe in the Arms of God: Truth from Heaven about the Death of a Child by John MacArthur

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within one year of unprotected intercourse (for a woman over 35, this time period is six months), or the inability to carry a child to live birth.

According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, "Infertility affects about 6.1 million people in the U.S. -- about 10 percent of the reproductive age population.  Infertility affects men and women equally.  Most infertility cases -- 85% to 90% -- are treated with conventional medical therapies such as medication or surgery.  While vital for some patients, in vitro fertilization and similar treatments account for less than 5% of infertility services..." (From the ASRM's Frequently Asked Questions About Infertility, Copyright 1988.)

Fertility-related terms, abbreviations, and acronyms that are frequently used on the Internet are listed at INCIID's Glossary.

FAQ about infertility from Resolve

Dealing with losses such as failed IVF (embryos did not survive), ectopic pregnancy, blighted ovum, chemical pregnancy, and all forms of first trimester or early second trimester miscarriages can cause so much pain.  May the Lord comfort you in this difficult time.

Miscarriage & Ectopic Pregnancy are the topics of the wonderful March/April 1998 issue of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).

Don't Suffer Alone -- One Christian mother shares her story of miscarriage at 8 weeks.

A Place to Remember offers "uplifting support materials for those who have been touched by a crisis in pregnancy or the death of a baby." Resource links include infant loss support groups and literature, genetics and special groups, adoption, infertility, high-risk pregnancy, grief, preemies, miscarriage, and more.  APTR also offers dozens of items to assist both caregivers and grieving individuals, including specialty cards, books, gifts (memorial birth certificates, ceramic pieces, memory boxes), and funeral-related products.

The loss and pain of a failed IVF is real.  Here is a story of a woman dealing with the pain of her failed IVF and the loss of her babies:

"My husband and I did an IVF cycle as the final treatment option in our infertility journey.  The day of retrieval we had 30 eggs; 17 fertilized and we lost all but three for the transfer.  Two weeks later we found out that we were not pregnant; we had lost all those little lives.  Many tears were shed for those little babies that we never were able to hold.  Where do we go from here...

The loss that I felt was deep and very real.  Even though I never had those two lines show up or a doctor congratulate us as we happily left the office.  I remember wondering where I fit in with the loss of my babies.  I was never pregnant, and never had a miscarriage, so how do I explain the pain I am in? How do I tell those around me that I lost my babies?

At first we were hurting so much that we couldn't even explain the heartache that we felt.  It took years for my friends and family to understand, and for us to talk about it, that we had lost 17 little lives -- 17 babies that are waiting for us in heaven.  We explained that those lives were created and for some reason couldn't survive.  We told them that it was our loss, and whether they believed it or not they needed to know our feelings.

Your loss and pain is real.  You are grieving for your baby or babies and you need to allow yourself that time to grieve.  Time will help ease the pain -- if someone would have said that to me after we had just found out, I would have told them nothing would ease the pain...but it will get better.  My heart hurts for those of you who have to experience this, and I pray that God will comfort you."

~ JMS

Dealing with the loss of your baby(ies) or child can cause so much pain.  May the Lord comfort you in this difficult time.

Bereaved Moms Share is a website for Christian women who have lost a baby or babies by miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death (up to 6 months) to remember their babies, encourage one another, and share hope in Christ that they will be united with their children in Heaven.

A Quiet Refuge is a beautiful Christian site, "bringing healing to hurting families by hearing their hearts, acknowledging their pain and loss, and providing them a way to honor and remember the life of their little one." Their goal is to support families who have lost a baby through any type of pregnancy loss, including miscarriage, stillbirth, and tubal pregnancy.  Their support also extends to those who have lost a child in the first two or three years of life. 

Broken Hearts, Living Hope is a Christian support network for bereaved families who have lost children from pre-birth through adulthood, from any cause.

Silent Grief -- Support for all who have suffered miscarriage or child loss.

A Place to Remember offers "uplifting support materials for those who have been touched by a crisis in pregnancy or the death of a baby." Resource links include infant loss support groups and literature, genetics and special groups, adoption, infertility, high-risk pregnancy, grief, preemies, miscarriage, and more.  APTR also offers dozens of items to assist both caregivers and grieving individuals, including specialty cards, books, gifts (memorial birth certificates, ceramic pieces, memory boxes), and funeral-related products.

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." ~ Proverbs 12:25 (NIV)

When someone is going through the challenges of infertility, and pregnancy eludes them month by month, or when they are blessed with the joyous news of a coming child, only to have that baby slip too quickly from this life to the next, they turn to family and friends in hopes of support and comfort.  Usually those people want to help but simply don't know how.  They often hurt the grieving couple unintentionally by either saying the wrong things or saying nothing at all and expecting them to "get on with their lives" as if their hearts weren't broken.  Below are some resources for friends and family members of these hurting couples.

Simply being aware of your loved one's pain and recognizing their grief is an important step!

"Helping a Loved One with Infertility"

Suggestions:

Unless you are a very close friend, don’t ask specifics such as, “What day do you have the pregnancy test?,” or “What day will you do the artificial insemination?” Simply saying, “I’m praying for you,” “We’re thinking of you,” or “Please let us know if there’s anything we can do,” are all appropriate ways to show your interest without putting her on the spot.

If possible, do not surprise her by making a big announcement that you’re pregnant. While it is appropriate for you to be excited and want to share your news in a big way, consider telling her privately first and letting her know when you plan to share your news.

Do not ask her any questions about infertility around other people.

The childless couple may feel “out of place” at child-centered family events like family vacations, Easter egg hunts, children’s birthday parties, etc. Absolutely invite them, but don’t make them explain why they declined the invitation.

Offering to ride with her or drive her to appointments would be appreciated. People often have to drive over an hour to the nearest infertility clinic.

If you say something to her and think later that maybe you shouldn’t have said it, call her and apologize. It will mean al lot to her.

Definitely invite her to baby showers and let her know when a baby has been born, but don’t expect her to attend those events. Besides feeling very uncomfortable herself, she may feel that her presence will make others uncomfortable.

Sometimes a woman going through infertility will not want to talk about it. But she still needs to know people care. Calling and leaving a message saying, “I hope you’re doing OK. We love you and are praying for you. Call if you want to talk,” is very considerate because there’s no pressure for her to call back yet she knows she hasn’t been forgotten.

Sending “Thinking of You” cards are nice. Here is an example of a note: “I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying today and especially over the next three weeks. As I was thinking of you this verse kept coming to my mind and I think it is meant for you. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope an a future!” Jeremiah 29:11. God’s plan is to give you hope and not harm. Know that you are loved and cared for deeply!

Acknowledging that Christmas and Mother’s Day are difficult days is appreciated - but this is a tricky one. An example follows: at a family Christmas, my sister-in-law privately walked over to me and handed me a gift bag. It contained a children’s book with a written note on the inside cover: “This is a bedtime favorite of our girls. We hope it will be for your little one very soon! We love you and keep your baby-to-be in our prayers!” It meant so much that she took such a bold step to acknowledge our pain, but did it very privately so we were not put on the spot. She realized that while everyone else was happy and excited, we were struggling.

There are lots of books on infertility and miscarriage that can be helpful. Buying one and mailing it, along with a simple note, to someone you love who is experiencing infertility would be a very nice gesture.

If you know she has just had a negative pregnancy test or is having an especially difficult time, sending flowers with a note saying, “We love you, “or “We’re thinking of you,” is always a good idea.


Things to Avoid Saying:

“Just don’t think about it so much and it’ll happen.”
“You’re lucky. We would love to have some time without our kids!”
“If you wouldn’t get so stressed out about it, maybe...”
“I know exactly how you feel, it took us two months to conceive.”
“You can have a couple of my kids!”
“I’m having another boy. I was hoping for a girl.”
“This was an accident. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the summertime.”
“I can just lay in the same bed with my husband and get pregnant!”
“Maybe God doesn’t want you to have children for some reason.”
“Do you just not want kids?”
“Have you tried....”
“You’re Lucky, you don’t have to take the pill.”
“How much does it cost to do......(in vitro, artificial insemination, etc.)”

Empty Arms -- A video that communicates how painful the journey of infertility can be, helping you to understand where your loved ones are coming from.